When you have space to lovingly grapple with your shame, grief, guilt, disappointment, resentment, envy, sadness, despair, regret, frustration, etc, that relationship can give rise to the newness of self-compassion, gratitude, accountability, naming your needs, going after what you want, living with more joy and ease.
Just like compost, the trashy parts of our life can turn into fuel for future growth. We can do it on our own with the right amount of attention and time - but I’m telling you, when you add worms to compost, the work becomes so much easier.
To me, worms = grace, compassion, the positive regard needed to courageously face the difficult parts of our life, chew them up and make some meaning out of them. And often, a relationship of support (coaching, spiritual direction, therapy) can function like worms. Gentle and persistent nudging in the direction of transformation - slow and steady, but also persistent and steadfast.
This past weekend, I had the chance to spend extended, precious time with a mentor and friend, a gifted spiritual guide with many academic accolades pertaining to family spirituality and contemplative spirituality. One word I’d use to describe her is graceful. She’s an artist - a singer, dancer, theatrical performer - in fact, her college classes felt a bit like an interactive one-woman play. Captivating. Engaging. Reflective. She doesn’t walk through the world but rather floats.
And, she’s been managing a painful, debilitating terminal cancer for the past 14 months. Even as she needed help to stand, to walk, to change clothes, to brush hair, she embodied dignity and grace. There is so much dignity in how she is facing her experience of loss.
This reminds me of that saying: How you do one thing is how you do everything.
I can only imagine that her attitude and approach to dying is nurtured by the many hours she has spent studying mystics, accompanying people on their own spiritual journeys, and approaching all of life with an openness for seeing God in all things. If anyone can float through the experience of terminal cancer, it’s her.
The other thing though, and maybe this is more important: She and I have very different ways of approaching the world, but I am no doubt changed by my relationship with her. By spending time with her in class and at dinner tables and over coffees on rocking chairs, my own patterns were altered, ever so slightly. By being her, she helped me to become MORE me. With mindfulness and intention, we can actually shift the way we do things and evolve into a whole-ier version of ourself. Who doesn’t want that?
The Enneagram is a tool that we can use to identify our own patterns of behavior and compare our style with other styles. It can help us understand each other when our approaches differ or when we disagree so that we can better understand and maybe even appreciate where someone is coming from. This mentor and I were a part of a community that used this tool as a way to build self-awareness, connection and to create more harmony and understanding of our differences.
It helped! When we apply the Enneagram to our reflection and discernment, it can be a guide for choosing behaviors that truly reflect our values and higher qualities - and not just reverting to the patterns that are well-worn grooves in our brain. It can also help explain why other people drive us nuts - and to develop compassion for them by understanding their motivations for doing the annoying things they do (spoiler: we all just want to be seen and loved.)
I’ve extended my Spring sale on IEQ9 + 90 min of coaching through the end of April. Just use code APRIL20 at checkout when you purchase this package and after 45 min or so with the assessment, you’ll get a 20 page report on your Enneagram style and practices that can help you understand yourself and others - plus one 90 min coaching session with me to integrate the learnings and discover your next steps to a whole-ier you! And if you are in Milwaukee, I’ll even throw in a delicious cup of joe (pictured above).